Freedom is cheap; HBO is expensive
The results of a new poll show that President Bush is now less popular than ``American Idol'' judge Simon Cowell; that voters think the country is headed in the wrong direction and blame the people who actually voted in the last election for the decline; and that the best way to bring order to Iraq is to turn the country over to Wal-Mart.
In another Iraq-related question, 80 percent of respondents said they found the war confusing and that it would be much easier to follow if the various Iraqi factions were required to wear color-coordinated smocks.
The poll also found that while a majority believes this country is in danger of becoming a police state, they would be willing to give up constitutionally guaranteed rights in exchange for free HBO.
The poll was conducted outside a walk-in clinic over the Thanksgiving weekend from a pool of non-partisan hypochondriacs age 18-65 who all believed they had contracted bird flu.
The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 90 percentage points.
Here are some of the other poll questions.
If the presidential election were held today, who would you vote for?
George W. Bush: 5 percent.
Hillary Clinton: 10 percent.
Geena Davis: 85 percent.
Would you consider it unethical if Hillary Clinton attempted to capitalize on her husband's popularity by referring to herself as Mrs. Bubba?
Yes: 30 percent.
No: 30 percent.
Don't know: 40 percent.
Do you think Dick Cheney lies more than he used to about distorting the pre-Iraq war intelligence?
Yes: 33 percent.
No: 33 percent.
About the same: 33 percent.
What is John Kerry's current position on the Iraq war?
He is in favor of it: 100 percent.
He is opposed to it: 100 percent.
He is in favor of opposing it: 100 percent.
He is opposed to favoring it: 100 percent.
Why do you think Sen. Joe Lieberman is a major supporter of the Iraq war?
Because of experience in combat: 10 percent.
Because he is a neocon: 30 percent.
Because President Bush kissed him on the head: 60 percent.
When you are confused by the new Medicare prescription drug plan, the first place you turn for help is:
The Social Security Administration: 3 percent.
The drug companies: 7 percent.
The Bible: 90 percent.
Which of the following words would you use to describe a sleazy, dishonest individual?
Crook: 25 percent.
Con man: 25 percent.
Lobbyist: 50 percent.
What is your major source for fake news?
"Saturday Night Live'': 10 percent.
"The Daily Show'': 40 percent.
"Fox News: 50 percent."